well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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