i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
