my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
