I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
