apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
