drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
