she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
