Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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