You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
