all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
