new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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