Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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