Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize