He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
