she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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