I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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