The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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