I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
