Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
