I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
