oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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