why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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