ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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