Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
