after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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