I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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