Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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