I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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