I love black thongs
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
