i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
