She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Couch. On fire.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
