Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
