I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
