Pappa wants mamma naked
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
