just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
