I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
