he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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