I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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