I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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