if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FUCK WHALES
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
