i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
