so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
