When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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