please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
