Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
