Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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