just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
