We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
