I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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