remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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