Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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