My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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