Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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