I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
