I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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