I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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