you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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