i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
