I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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