he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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