Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
