we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
