cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
