Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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