he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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