Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
